Our volunteer stood silently, facing the class with a military stance: Attention! He avoided eye contact, and put his ‘poker face’ on. He waited. Sixty seconds later he breathed a sigh of relief, smiled, and sat down.

I had asked students if it was possible for two people to be in sight of each other, without communicating. What do you think?

Some thought it could be easily accomplished. Others disagreed, and this was our experiment. After just sixty seconds, the group described at least seven non-verbal messages received from our stoic volunteer, which clearly communicated his initial confidence and determination to succeed, and then his growing discomfort, embarrassment and impatience, followed by his relief and satisfaction. He was surprised by the variety and accuracy of the observations.

We should not be surprised to learn that others can, and do, ‘read’ us. We are wired for connection – and we communicate, with or without deliberate intention.

Communication creates links between us. We need accurate signals – to build strong links. Accidents, and guesswork can be risky.

Speaking of recovery from depression, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson said knowing we are not alone was one of the most important things. He is one of many celebrities who reminded us that we need each other.

Communication is the key to knowing we are not alone.

Maybe someone needs contact and human connection more than a person who is reaching for it from the bottom of a pit of depression. Maybe. But I question that.

While all of us need social contact and connection for healthy balance –these are critical in the process of recovering from depression.

Think about this: Laughing and crying are both cathartic emotional experiences – and both are more powerful when shared.

Crying relieves stress and gets rid of toxins in our system. The people we can share our tears with may be few – but they earn a special position of trust, and a bond of understanding with us.

Close relationships can double our joys while cutting our sorrows in half. Developing them seems like a worthwhile investment of our time and attention.

Laughter is good when we’re alone – but much better when shared. Have you noticed that it’s contagious?

Next time you are close to someone (or a group of folks) when healthy laughter breaks out – check your physical and emotional response. Chances are you’ll feel a smile begin to form on your own face, or catch yourself chuckling along with others, and your energy will enjoy a boost (at least for a few moments). We are wired to connect, and we have mirror neurons that help us do so. (More about that later.)

At difficult times in our lives, when we are most in need of understanding and supportive human contact – we may find ourselves at a loss for words. This can be a painful quandary.

Words are only one part of our messages – but they are extremely important factors for communication.

Just as melody, rhythm, volume, and physical performance are all part of a song – the lyrics complete, and guarantee accurate interpretation of the message.

You may ask: ‘Why should I consider breaking the silence about my depression? I don’t want to complain or bother others, and I don’t want to be judged by them either’.

There are good reasons for speaking out. First: If we want to be understood, we have to let people know what’s going on. If we expect mindreading, or even good guesswork … we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Depression is difficult to deal with – and even more so if you feel alone.

While telling others about it isn’t something you do constantly, casually, or take lightly – confiding in someone you trust may be a key element in your treatment and recovery.

You can find encouragement, and understanding by confiding in others. You can also find freedom to simply be who you are, and how you are – and to ask for what you need (e.g., a ride to your appointment, help in finding treatment, or in making a crisis plan).

Second: If you are struggling with depression, friends and family are most likely aware that something is happening within you – and it probably isn’t good. They are already ‘reading’ you, as my class read the unspoken signals of our volunteer.

Your words can insure correct interpretation. Without understanding, guesswork may add error and confusion to the pain, and increase the emotional distance between you.

We have already explored the dangers of isolation. Emotional distance can become a dividing chasm – keeping us apart, and alone.

We may think it’s fine to protect others from our misery with silence or denial – but that too can backfire and create even more difficulty.

For example: rather than feeling ‘protected’ by your silence – your friends and family may feel shut out, or cut off from your relationship. And, if they appear to accept your silence for extended periods – you may feel that they don’t care – you have been left out. Silence is not always golden.

Dishonesty also creates separation from others. It can weigh on us, growing to feel like some kind of shameful secret – and it can breed guilt.

Shame, guilt, and separateness are not helpful in the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.

Unintentional small fibs may derail us more frequently than big lies. We know that honesty is the best policy. We recognize the ‘big whoppers’ and can usually avoid them. But, is it a big deal if a friend asks ‘How are you?’… and we answer ‘Oh, just fine’ – when, in fact, we’re suffering? Maybe it is.

We may think these little white lies are just part of a social ritual – they really don’t mean anything. But, if you are going through depression, with no one to confide in – then the role you are attempting to play may get heavier with each act or performance. Over time it can become a crushing weight, since the act has to be repeated so many times a day – after day, after day.

Being free to open up about how you feel and what you are going through can help build the support system you need. It can – and does – have a very real impact on your recovery. Shared burdens are lighter.

Jack Nicholson’s character riveted our attention in the movie, ‘A Few Good Men’, when he thundered his famous line – ‘The truth? You can’t handle the truth!’

You might suspect that also applies to your friends or family, and it might for some – but not all. If you’re convinced that it does apply to all of them… then find a therapist or counselor, a pastor, a support/self-help group (e.g., NAMI Connection), or someone else you can trust – to listen.

We all need someone with whom we can openly talk about depression and our needs, without worrying about disbelief, or judgment – or that others will be so afraid of what we say they will instantly want to ‘fix‘ us, or to minimize what we are saying.

Deciding whether or not to reveal our issues, and with whom, is a personal choice. There are no right or wrong answers about how many to tell, or whom those people should be. It may be scary to risk disclosure – but the benefits can far outweigh the risks.

Summary:

Risking disclosure, and sharing our hearts might lead to disappointment – but it could also lead to building closer relationships, great support, and even to hearing beautiful and healing words, such as: ‘I understand.’ or ‘I’ve been there’.

If we share our hearts – we know the truth. When it comes to facing sadness or depression, we have all ‘been there’ at some time in our lives. Together we can help each other to also be able to say: ‘I’m not alone – and I’m still standing!’

 Intentional communication is a key to making the social connections we need.

There are other activities we can engage in as well, and we’ll cover them a bit later.

For now, we’ll focus on sharing the lyrics to our rhythm and blues. Together we might even be able to make a little music out of our misery.

As King David expressed in the music of worship (Psalms 119:49-50):

“Remember the word to Your servant, upon which You have caused me to hope.  This is my comfort in my affliction, for Your word has given me life.”

And consider these words of encouragement – directly from our Lord:

“ I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have tribulation. But be of good cheer – I have overcome the world.”   John 16:33

Preview:

You may still have questions: Who to talk to? How to prepare? What to say? What to expect in response? How best to handle difficult responses?

These are all part of the art in social connection – and we have a lot of information to share. Stay with me – till next time:

Blessings, Love and Laughter to you,

Marge

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