Sharing our hopes, dreams, brainstorms, observations, light-hearted experience, and humor can be FUN.

We are wired for connection. Our joys can, and do, seem to multiply when shared … and our troubles can indeed feel smaller when divided among friends.

… But, how do we make real connections?

Conversation (verbal, gestured, or written) is the only way we can touch each others’ minds, and share each others’ hearts.

Sharing ideas, concerns, inspiration, and experience opens channels for sending and receiving comfort, encouragement and strength. We connect.

“Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”           C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Sharing the fun stuff doesn’t take a lot of courage. Sharing weaknesses and needs does.

This is intimacy. It’s risky – and it’s the only way we can truly touch hearts, as we need to.

Intimacy requires trust, discretion, and wisdom. So, let’s talk about things to consider – as we identify those with whom we can, and perhaps should, share our experience with Depression.

Sharing: ‘Who’ to tell?

In the last article we reviewed the need for, and the benefits of, disclosure.

Maybe, as you thought of this – the face of a loved one, or good friend, popped into your mind. Let’s start with folks with whom you have a close personal relationship.

You could make a list of close friends and family you are considering – and then ask yourself: Which of them seems most understanding? Are they good listeners? Who is good at giving hugs, and encouragement?

You may already know the person you want to share with. If not – if your heart beats faster with uncertainty about whether or not you should confide in this person, you may want to ask more questions.

Thinking about that person – how you would answer?

• Do they seem critical of others? Are they judgmental at times?
• Is your friend or family member sensitive to the feelings of others – or do they ‘step on’ them at times? (Accidentally or intended? Often or rarely?)
• Are they (or have they been) going through their own crisis?
• Does your candidate gossip or spread rumors?
• Are they ‘steady’ in tough situations – or do they seem quick to panic.

If you are not comfortable with your answers, but still sense a need to acknowledge individual concerns – let that friend or family member know that you are working though something, and you are getting help. You can offer to share more detail at a later time, if you need to. Move on to the next candidate on your list.

Added Thoughts:

If it seems too hard to weigh the costs and benefits of telling someone – then think about what it may be costing you not to tell. Might you be ‘distancing’ someone you want to hold close? Are you missing the support and encouragement you need? It does pay to be selective with our intimate conversations – but don’t let your fear extinguish opportunities.

Only you can know what’s best for you. If you are not comfortable with those on your friends and family list – then seek outside counsel. Your pastor, your therapist, and others outside of your closest circle can be a good place to start. Follow your heart – but do find someone you can trust for support.

On the Job:

If depression impairs your performance on the job – you might need help or accommodations. Consider the costs and benefits of disclosure.

If you have been diagnosed with clinical depression or any other kind of mental health condition, you have some legal rights for protection and assistance. The National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI.org) is a great source of information. It’s wise to check things out, before sharing personal information at work.

Preparation:

Knowing who you will talk with is one great step. Preparation is the next.

First, give yourself credit for moving forward in spite of fear. It’s natural to feel uncertain – but whether it’s with family, friends, or counselors – sharing your experience of depression is a big step towards coping and recovery.

Friends and family may not really know much about clinical depression. You will need to help them understand. Educate yourself.

Think about your reasons for sharing with this person – at this time. Are you answering questions, or attempting to ease concerns?

Do you need to explain recurring symptoms that may suddenly appear – and how friends and family can best respond?

For example: (In Post #19), I shared the appearance of one such symptom during a happy family gathering. For no reason we could see, my dear one was suddenly crying, uncontrollably – and we were shocked. In my concern and desire to ‘help’, I made it a bigger spectacle and added to his embarrassment. That was definitely not helpful.

Do you need to explain why you aren’t able to enjoy certain gatherings or activities – or why you might need to take more frequent breaks than in the past?

What are your goals for this conversation – do you have specific needs?

Do you just want someone who will be there to listen – if and when you need contact? Can you make other concrete suggestions for how they can support you?

When you are clear about your main points and your goals – you might want to write them down – just so you can stop worrying that you’ll get sidetracked or forget important details.

When and Where:

It’s been said that ‘timing is everything’. Maybe. So, when should you plan your conversation? You decide – when you’re ready.

Ideally, you can plan this conversation for a time when you are feeling well.

This allows you to be more relaxed – and gives the person you are talking to some time for processing. Ask, to be sure – it’s a good time to connect.

If you must reach out during a crisis – think of the most supportive person, closest to you. Confide in – and ask them to tell others, as needed.

Choose a time and place where both you, and the person you will talk with, can feel comfortable.   Think about the environment. Is it quiet and private enough for you? Do you prefer being indoors or out in nature?

It’s often easier to talk if we don’t have to sit face-to-face, and can re-direct some nervous energy by walking or doing some other quiet activity.

Remember the other benefits of movement. It generates changes in brain chemicals and growth factors that shift moods of stress and depression – and may even help to reverse the process. (Posts # 36 and 37 explain the science behind this bonus.)

Summary:

If you fear sharing your vulnerability – here is more encouragement from the apostles’ experience. They spoke of the light of God’s glory shining out from the darkness of their weaknesses and painful experience.

“… But we have this treasure in earthen vessels – that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed: we are perplexed but not in despair; Persecuted but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.”        2 Corinthians 4:7-9

‘Earthen vessels’ are also known as clay pots – easily cracked. We’re all cracked pots. – Love is the glue.

In Post # 61 we explored the art of ‘Kintsugi’ – repairing broken pottery by joining seams with molten silver or gold.

We are designed to share our burdens, our encouragement and our love. With these connections we invite beauty into our lives – revealed in unique patterns of ‘golden repair’ – sealing up cracks and fractures born of our experience.

Our flaws are what make such designs possible. We have a divine designer!

Preview:

We have reviewed the need for connection – and identified communication as the only way we can touch each others’ hearts and minds.   We have considered the costs and benefits, when and where and with whom to have a conversation about depression.

Next week we’ll consider what we can say – when (if) words are hard to find. We will also consider responses we might get – and share ideas about how we might handle ‘weird’ ones.

Till next time – Blessings, Love and Laughter to you,

Marge

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